Too Bright to See, by Kyle Lukoff

2021 is full of great mg sci fi and fantasy books, as the substantial pile of books (around 14) I have checked out from my library demonstrates.  Too Bright to See, by Kyle Lukoff, (April 20th 2021 by Dial Books) isn't, though, one I got from the library; it wasn't in my library system yet*, so I bought it with my own money as my new book for June (1 a month is sadly all I allow myself to buy). I was not disappointed with my investment in future me's rereading pleasure. This is an outstanding book.

Bug's beloved Uncle Roderick has just died, at the much too young age of thirty-two.   He moved to the old (quite possibly haunted) family house in rural Vermont to live with Bug's mom when her husband died and Bug was just a little baby, giving up his own life in New York as a drag queen, and he was incredibly dear to both of them.  Now it's just the two of them, and Bug's mom card designing work isn't bringing enough in to cover all the medical bills...

On top of that sadness and worry, Bug's best/only real friend, Moira, is leaping toward middle school and wants to bring Bug with her into a world of clothes and make-up and growing up.  Bug sees Moira is on her way to becoming a woman, but feels unable to enthusiastically follow that path, feeling more like a shadow, or a doll, or someone just going through the motions.  Bug is in the habit of narrating life as a servant girl, or a princess, or other flights of imagination, trying on different types of girl-ness, but nothing seems right. 

"Trying to picture myself as a teenage girl is like staring at the sun, too bright to see, and it hurts."

Bug's house is undeniably spooky, with cold spots and strange noises, and reflections in the mirror that look like strangers.  But this summer more active hauntings begin (poltergeist-ness, Ouija board strangeness, creepy dreams, and strange voices), building up to the undeniable fact that Uncle Roderick still cares about Bug, and is trying to communicate something awfully important.

Bug isn't a girl, but a boy.

And when he realizes that, everything falls into place in his mind.  His mom is supportive, Moira, and even the other girls in Moira's circle of friends, are cool with it, and the new middle-school also takes it comfortably in stride.  It is a happy ending; even the card designing business picks up.

So the ghost part of the story makes this fantasy, and there is some creepy tension from the haunting, but it is mainly the story of a lonely, sad kid experiencing gender-dysphoria, and then relief from realizing what he is feeling, and finaly the peace that comes when he can act on those feelings.  It's a really moving story, and I so appreciated that Bug's realization that he is a boy wasn't a traumatic disaster.  For kids who are themselves trans, it will, I think, be a great comfort have Bug's story in their minds, and for kids who aren't trans, but ready to be allies, it will help them understand gender dysphoria and be supportive of their friends.  

If you are thinking this sounds not wildly relatable, stop!  We all go through the process of adolescence, figuring out who the heck we are, perhaps with others around us seeming to be racing along the path to growing up, and our bodies becoming strange, and the face in the mirror changing.  Like Bug, I myself still try to make sense of my life through third-person narration...and still feel I'm acting a part when I wear fancy clothes and makeup (which isn't often).  Though of course for Bug, and other trans kids, this is all at a different level of magnitude.  

In any event, I liked it lots, cared about the characters, enjoyed the sensory experience of reading it, and think it's an important and moving book!

If you want a second opinion, here's a glowing review from Fuse #8.  Betsy and I don't always overlap in our opinions, but this time we do!

*(just checked--there are now 9 copies, with two more being processed, in RI; 8 are checked out).